Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You Might Also Like
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The devil.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>