*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
FRED: right
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
This hospital has everything
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.