*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy