“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
the rocks need my help
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
become ungovernable
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”