@Fred_Delicious: "son, I've had to throw my golf socks out" "Why dad? cos you got... A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA" "No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood"

@TuffyNyC: "Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana" - Plastic Surgery

@chimneyspotter: You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is "Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy" this and "Could have used regular toilet paper" that

@delusions_of: I'm like a Rubik's Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you'll want to rip me apart.

@TheToddWilliams: [back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!