@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Let's role-play ME: OK W: U be a teacher *I get up & leave* W: Where u going? M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do?

@KarenKilgariff: LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied

@ArfMeasures: Wife: You should've written your best man speech Me: Relax I can freestyle [Wedding] Me: On Dave and Sarah's big day, I'd like to Dave *whispers in my ear* Me: On Dave and Rebecca's big day

@JasonLastname: Password insecurity questions: 1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What's wrong with your toes?

@tristandross: britain's three elite institutions