@Fred_Delicious: "son, I've had to throw my golf socks out"
"Why dad? cos you got... A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA"
"No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood"
@TuffyNyC: "Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana" - Plastic Surgery
@chimneyspotter: You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is "Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy" this and "Could have used regular toilet paper" that
@delusions_of: I'm like a Rubik's Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you'll want to rip me apart.
@TheToddWilliams: [back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!
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