“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.