@msbtx: "Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
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@Juven_Naidoo: A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.
@EliTerry: Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.
@EtobicokeErnie: Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.
@JeffSarcastic: [dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick