I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Are we there yet?…
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.