@CroweJam: Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she's in charge of North Korea.
@batkaren: HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?
@Aspersioncast: How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
@Shot_Of_Cabo: *turns on notifications*
Notifications: I have a boyfriend
@carlielyn: Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
@3BlindMike: How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?