Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I needed a laugh this morning.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
not seeing the problem