@JennyJohnsonHi5: Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he's Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.
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@jonnysun: WHITE GIRL: im not a dog person, im not a cat person, im a people person ME: (whispering to my dog) i think that means she owns slaves
@bourgeoisalien: I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
@stephenjmolloy: "Ah, Mr Bond, I-" *closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers* "-wasn't expecting you."
@daveexplosm: All the guys in working out photos look like they're straining or in pain, but there's lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.