Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
my fav colour is also hitler
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”