Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
work smarter, not harder
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
just got my engagement photos
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.