GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.