I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
You Might Also Like
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.