Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
You Might Also Like
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.