You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You Might Also Like
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
It’s an epidemic…
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.