It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
You Might Also Like
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
nice challenge
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours