[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea