[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
584.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
when you order from DoorDastardly
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body