[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
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Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?