Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Sunday
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.