Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]