“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis