[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.