Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.