*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.