Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.