@LoveNLunchmeat: Snuck a peak at my therapist's notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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@Smethanie: I bet Ryan Gosling doesn't even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
@ohen39: [at the mall] santa: have you been naughty or nice this year? me: *stops smiling and gets off santa's lap* I want my lawyer.
@iwearaonesie: If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling "It's over here you idiot!"