Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
You Might Also Like
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.