So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Found the job I’m suited for
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.