So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
rapatouille
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.