SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months