SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
O Wise One….
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Note to self: I am a note
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget