So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…