So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.