So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!