“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
not for long
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Happy birthday to all the women
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*