….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”