So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
He just like my cat fr
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.