@hero_ofthenight: So apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
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@ArfMeasures: [after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
@Marcmywords2: She texted me, "I love U" So I texted. "I love U2.... Not their new stuff but from like the 90's" Now my CD's are missing. Weird!
@Playing_Dad: Wife: My friend's turkey died. She's really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her? Me: How about some gravy?