@hero_ofthenight: So apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
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@Mothpete: I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead... but pretty fly.
@AdderallMomma: --Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me? Thanks auto correct, this is why I can't have nice friends.
@Breadery: I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
@KeetPotato: waiter: "have we decided yet sir?" me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] "the margarita pizza please"