Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
You Might Also Like
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
first you must answer his riddles
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil