“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.