So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.