@Calliejacobson: So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.
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@TheToddWilliams: [back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!
@Samiam556: They won't give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don't make phones that survive being thrown against walls? It's nonsense...
@Brianhopecomedy: I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".