@Calliejacobson: So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.
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@illTortuga: "Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend
@PabloGSerski: The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.