Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I only treason on days ending in y
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.