I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Husband of the year 😂
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.