“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Lmao
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.