I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I want this so bad
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m having an out of money experience.