So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
hmmm
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper