So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I’m calling the cops.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.