My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
This kid will have a bright future.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.