Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23