so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.